A Letter to Parents of Adult Children in Addiction, You are Not Alone

If you are reading this, chances are your heart is broken. Did you pace the floor last night? Did you spend the last year staring at your phone, waiting for a call that never comes -or worse, dreading the one that does? Are you a parent of an adult son or daughter who is suffering from Substance Use Disorder (SUD)? Your home has been invaded by a mighty and chaotic disease. I want to say one thing to you right now: You are not alone.

The Silent Nightmare

Loving an adult child through addiction is a unique kind of torture. Society often gives us a blueprint for raising young children, but there is no manual for how to love an adult who is making choices that are slowly destroying them-and you.

You are likely carrying a heavy sack of unspoken burdens:

• Guilt: The nagging whisper, sometimes shouted, asking, "What did I do wrong?"
• Shame: The isolating feeling that you cannot talk to your friends or family about what is happening in your home.
• Terror: The paralyzing fear of the next crisis, the next arrest, or the next overdose.
• Sadness: How did this happen in our family?

Please set that extremely heavy bag down for a minute and read the following blog.

The Shifts You Need to Make 

The plain truth, you cannot force your child into recovery. You can force them into treatment but that is VERY different than recovery. You do have power over your own life, peace, and how you choose to interact with this disease. Here are three essential shifts in perspective to start practicing today:

1.  Embrace the "3 Cs": You did not Cause it. You cannot Control it. You cannot Cure it. Addiction is a disease that reshapes the brain; it is not a moral failure on their part, it is not a choice or a failure of love on your part.

2.  Move from Enabling to Empowering: When we bail them out of legal trouble, lie for them, or give them money, we aren't helping them-we are shielding them from the natural consequences that might finally motivate them to seek help. It's ugly, just like other diseases. This shift is one of the hardest to make because it feels counterintuitive to our parental instincts. But letting them face the "tough" consequences is sometimes the most loving thing we can do.

3.  Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First: Those flight attendants have this down but the truth of the matter is that you cannot rescue anyone if you are suffocating yourself. Your well-being is essential. Your suffering does not take away theirs. Prioritize sleep, health, friendships, and joy. Get yourself into a support group of individuals where you can lean on each other through this journey. You deserve to live a full life, regardless of the path your child is on.

Reclaiming Hope 

Hope is a tricky word. I am quite sure that most parents "hope" that their child will wake up one day and be "fixed". Perhaps I can encourage you to have a new definition of hope. 

Hope in yourself; your ability to survive, your resilience, your tools. Hope you can find joy and connection no matter what choices your child makes. 

I am honored to be a part of a community that I have described; people who, by their own experiences, understand the pain that comes along with SUD. Please don't sit on the sidelines by yourself dealing with exhaustion and fear. Please reach out and let me share some tools that will help you along the way.

You do not have to walk this path by yourself.