How do I know if my child is on drugs?

A parent coach's guide to telling the difference between typical teenage behavior and the red flags of substance use — and how to start the conversation without a confrontation.

If you've typed those words into a search bar, I want you to know that I have too. I know exactly where your mind is landing. Maybe it's 2:00 a.m., the house is finally quiet, and the worry you're feeling is overwhelming. You've probably tried variations to get the full picture — "signs my teenager is using drugs," "how to tell if my child is hiding drug use" — hoping to find an answer that either confirms your worst fears or, more importantly, proves your gut wrong.

I know that routine. Dinner is done, homework is finished, and the silence that follows can feel deafening. It's just you and your thoughts, and the growing suspicion that something has shifted in your home.

Your child is acting differently. They spend every free moment in their room with the door locked. Dinnertime is quieter, and when you do get a response, it's a grunt. They don't pick up after themselves, they snap at the slightest provocation, their friends have changed, and they seem to have stopped caring about their own physical well-being. These thoughts bombard your mind, keeping you tethered to your screen, searching for a sign that you aren't crazy. Is this just "normal" teenage behavior, or is it something bigger?

The "Typical" vs. the "Disruptive"

I hear parents blame "typical teen behavior" all the time, and I understand why — because none of us want to believe it could be anything else. Teenagers test boundaries. But there's a real difference between the common growing pains of adolescence and the red flags of substance use.

"Typical" behavior is developmental; it's not constant. Substance use, on the other hand, is usually disruptive and consistent. Here's what parents should watch for:

• The "Switch":

   It's not just normal moodiness — their personality has completely changed. Have they abandoned the hobbies they once loved? Have their core values shifted toward secrecy?

• Physical red flags:

   Teens sleep a lot, that's true. But there's a difference between sleeping a lot and their sleep 

  patterns

   changing. How are their eyes — bloodshot, squinting, unfocused? Do they smell unusual in a way you can't quite explain? Are they asking for money more often without a clear reason?

• The veil of secrecy:

   Every teen wants privacy, but there's a big difference between a private life and a secret life. If your teen has grown secretive about where they are, or guards their phone like a dog guards a bone, it's time to pay attention.

What to Do First, From a Coaching Perspective

If you suspect something is wrong — and you're like me — your first instinct might be to launch a full-scale investigation: tear through their room, or confront them head-on. Please stop.

Pause. Confronting a teen while you're fearful or angry rarely leads to an honest conversation — it leads to defensiveness and outbursts. Instead, try this:

Observe without comment. For a few days, just watch. Even though it feels like you already know what's going on, try to be objective, like a third party. Write down what you see, and resist the urge to jump to conclusions. Removing the emotion — easier said than done — lets you act clearly when it's time to talk.

Stay their safe harbor. Your teen needs to know that no matter what's going on, you're the most stable person in their life, and that you love them. If you're frantic, they'll mirror that. If you're calm, they'll mirror that too — and it might lead to a more productive conversation.

Prepare the conversation. When you're ready to talk, focus on the changes you've observed. Let your teen see that you're concerned, not accusing. You might try something like: "I've noticed you've been tired and a little withdrawn lately, and I'm really concerned about you. What's going on?" Open the door for a real conversation, and steer clear of questions that only need a yes-or-no answer. As a coach, I can help you navigate these conversations.

Please Know You Aren't Alone

Whether your teen is experimenting, struggling with a substance, or just navigating a tough developmental stretch, the feeling of losing your grip on your family is heavy. Give yourself credit for being in the game and noticing the changes. And please hear this: your worth as a parent is not defined by your child's choices.

You don't have to be a detective or a therapist. You just have to be a parent willing to look, listen, learn, and stay connected. Stay in the game.

If you're feeling paralyzed, reach out — this is too heavy to carry on your own. Remember: you're the leader of your home. Stay calm, keep your eyes open, and stay involved.